I’m sure we’ve all been there at some point during our dating life. We have had our heart broken into tiny pieces by someone we loved, and who we thought loved us back. Now the only thing we can do is to pick up all those pieces and more on. We hope that by getting closure, it will make it an easier process for us by understanding exactly what went wrong.

After giving so much of yourself to this person, it’s only natural to feel that the least they can do is to let you know what was going through their minds when they decided to get rid of someone as wonderful as you.

I know, I have been there. And I understand how much needing that closure would have helped me to move on – or so I thought at the time. But is getting closure from an ex really that important in helping you to move on?

Together we will have a look at all the points for and against this idea. As well as the reasons why we place so much importance on getting closure once our relationship ends. We will also look at what you can do if this doesn’t happen for you, and how you can still move on to lead a happier and more fulfilling life.

The Reasons Why We Need Closure

• One of the reasons is to give us peace of mind. If the relationship has ended, most of the time it’s because one person has stopped loving the other for reasons that they’ve already justified to themselves and so now can’t see a reason for the relationship continuing. This leaves their partner with a million questions, especially if they did not see the end coming. They are left feeling shocked, hurt, and confused and wanting to know what they did wrong.
• Feeling rejected is an awful feeling. You feel so powerless because the other person has all the control. So, you try to take back some of the control, by demanding answers as to why they have rejected you and no longer want you in their life.
• You find yourself second guessing everything they have said to you in the past. You feel as if your relationship was based on nothing but lies, which makes you question your judgement.
• You may feel in denial, as you can’t understand how only a week ago your future together looked so promising but now it’s suddenly over. You keep asking yourself why?
• You don’t want to make the same mistakes in your next relationship. Getting closure allows us to take responsibility for our part in the relationship and why it went wrong. But when you are denied knowing what happened, you may start worrying that you will make the same mistakes in your next relationship without even realising.
• Believing that you can only start the process of healing once you have had closure and made peace with that chapter in your life.
• Sometimes you just want to hear that you did nothing wrong, and be reassured that whatever the issues were they were out of your control. It’s as simple as that!

THE REASONS WHY WE DON’T NEED CLOSURE

There is of course no guarantee that after talking it through with your ex you will find it easier to move on. We all handle break ups differently, and some of us may have a harder time than others with transitioning from being one half of a couple to being single again. It all depends upon on your mindset, the support of having loving people around you, and your self-esteem.

Sometimes you will never get the closure that you so desperately want. If you have just left a toxic or an abusive relationship you may never get closure. I speak from experience, as I left a relationship like this only a couple of years ago. Nothing I said made any difference, and in the end I had no other choice but to leave when the abuse escalated. I had to accept the situation for what it was really like, and not what I had hoped it would be. There would never be an apology, an explanation, and of course, no closure. Being strong enough to walk away and never look back was my closure. I was out, and I was finally safe again and that was more important to me.

After leaving the relationship you may look back and clearly see that it wasn’t the right relationship for you. Seeking closure can sometimes be an excuse to get back in contact with your ex. But if you know that you deserve better, do not waste your time and energy by reaching out to them again.

If after asking your ex for closure and still not receiving it. Or they become nasty or hurtful towards you, be honest and ask yourself is this really the person you thought he was, or the type of person that should have in your life? Move on, as not everyone who comes into our life deserves to stay.

We may have already realised that the relationship wasn’t for us long before it was actually over. You may not have been as attracted to your ex as you should have been, you didn’t get his silly jokes, or you didn’t agree with his morals or point of view. You do not need external validation to move on when your relationship ends. Instead, the only validation that you ever needed has been within you the entire time. So stay true to your feelings if it doesn’t feel right for you.

Your peace of mind is more important than trying to get closure and driving yourself crazy with trying to find the answers. Sometimes not knowing why something happened, is the universe stepping in to prevent you from getting more hurt if you continue to push for answers.

HOW YOU CAN MOVE ON WITHOUT CLOSURE

It’s not easy to accept that the person you thought you knew, or the future you thought you had together is now over. But the first step to moving on – especially without receiving any closure from your ex, is by changing your mindset. And this starts with accepting the reality of where you are now. Your relationship is over, now it’s time for you to concentrate on yourself and your future.

Remove everything that reminds you of your ex – the presents he gave you, photos of you together, letters, cards, his favourite cereal that is still in your pantry. Throw or give away whatever you can, or put things away out of sight until you no longer have any attachment to them. You don’t need to have these reminders around you to trigger memories whenever you see them.

Cut off all contact with your ex. This includes late-night texts when you are feeling lonely, phone calls made after a few drinks, or contacting them for their birthday. Also, make sure you delete them off all the social media platforms where you are friends, as seeing them out partying with their mates or on dates with other girls will not help with your healing journey. I know this may be hard to do, especially in the beginning when all you seem to do is talk or think about them and what happened. But you need to put distance between you and the past so you can make a clean break and move on.

Buy yourself a journal (or notebook) and write in it every day. The release from writing down your thoughts and feelings can be very therapeutic. And wherever you are tempted to contact them write this down as well, and you will find that by the time you’ve finished writing your thoughts down the compulsion to contact them has been and gone.

Keep yourself busy. Occupy your mind and your time by setting yourself goals for the day. This will prevent you from finding yourself with too much time on your hands to dwell on things. And at the end of the day you will be so proud of yourself for having such a productive day.

Spend your time surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for you. It’s so important to have a support system behind you who will cheer you up when you are feeling down, remind you what a wonderful, fun and gorgeous woman you are when your self-esteem needs a boost, and to be the person you call whenever you are feel tempted to contact your ex.

If you are still having problems coming to terms with your relationship being over, seeing the good and bad points about your relationship can be very helpful in realising that the relationship being over was actually a blessing in disguise. To do this you need to draw up two columns on a large piece of paper. Write the heading in the first column ‘The Good’, and in the second column write ‘The Bad’, and then go to town and write down every single thought that comes to you into the relevant column. You may surprise yourself when you get to the end of this exercise and see just how long ‘The Bad’ list is in comparison to ‘The Good’ list. Sometimes you don’t realise until you see it all written down in front of you.

Another helpful exercise to help you get closure is to write a letter to your ex but don’t send it to them. This letter is to help you release all your emotions and feelings that are attached to them, and not a way for you to get back in contact with them or to have a go at them. Let them know just how annoying their laugh was, or how they annoyed you whenever they talked with their mouth full, left the toilet seat up, or never helped you with the housework. The mere act of writing down how you feel is very liberating, and it gives you the chance to let them know exactly what you thought of them or how annoying they really were. After you’ve written this letter either burn it or rip it up, as this will symbolise the end to that chapter in your life. You can also have a candle burning while you are writing this letter. And once you have finished writing, blow the candle out and say a prayer silently to yourself, as ancient cultures believe that this smoke will carry your prayers to the heavens. This is the reason why we light candles on our birthday cakes and are asked to say a wish before blowing them out.

A FINAL NOTE

The end of a relationship or marriage is never easy, no matter who ended it. You have invested a lot of time in this person and may have believed that they were the one for you.

But I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Of course at the time of the breakup none of this makes sense and you wonder what good could possibly come out of this situation. Down the track when things start to fall into place again, you may see the reason why this relationship never worked out for you, especially when you meet that loving and caring man who you are meant to be with all along.

So if you need clarity around what happened in your relationship or you are feeling stuck and you need help to move on, please book in with me for your complimentary 45-minute consultation so we can discuss your situation further.
Everything we talk about will be completely confidential and in a non-judgemental space. I look forward to hearing from you soon.